


Daddy Issues and Broken Seams

by gaialux



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Community: angst_bingo, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-08
Updated: 2013-09-08
Packaged: 2017-12-25 23:55:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/959116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaialux/pseuds/gaialux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's only open with Sam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Daddy Issues and Broken Seams

**Author's Note:**

> Written for LJ angstbingo square of "vulnerability".
> 
> Supernatural does not belong to me. This piece of fiction was written for entertainment purposes only, no profit is gained.

Dad taught him that men don't show their emotions. More than that, he taught him that  _hunters_ don't let themselves be affected. You'll see a lot of shit in this business, son, he said, and most of it you'll want to un-see.  
  
Dean didn't understand the meaning of that until well into his 20s. The first time he was really affected - the first time he  _really_ let his emotions bundle up and be ripped from his chest - was the day Sam died. That...that was every fear rolled into one, every nightmare and every torture technique placed right before his eyes. He also realised, on that day, why Dad drilled "look after Sammy" into him day after day. It wasn't just to protect Sam. It was to protect him, too.  
  
So, when he looks at Sam's still ( _dead, it's dead you bastard, just fucking accept it already_ ) body, he sees the things Dad warned him about, and Dean's not as strong as he thought he was.  
  
Just like the day when he comes back from hell and the weeks ( _months, years, eternities - who the fuck are you kidding_ ) pass. He tries to drink it away, tries to  _hunt_ it away, because if he saves everyone then he can be saved.  
  
And Sam can be saved.  
  
He doesn't do a good job at pushing it down, far from it. When he sits on the impala and stares at the sky, everything in him just cracks apart and he gives up on staying strong for Sam. He struggles to breathe, to speak, but he can't find a way to stop. He tells Sam he wishes he couldn't feel anything, he tries to explain just how much it hurts.  
  
He lays it bear, opens everything up to Sam, and by the time he's stopped just enough to get back into the impala, he's shaking so hard he can hardly drive. Sam's wordless in making him pull over, nothing more than a hand over his, and they're trading places so Dean can sit on the passenger seat and try to pull himself together.  
  
They get back to the motel too quickly. Dean hasn't had anytime to stop the shaking, to stop the memories. He can see those souls on the rack, the way he would dig into them with weapons he could never, ever describe to another person. Blades so twisted and jagged they could never exist in the real world, and  _he_ used them.  _He_ hurt people with them.  
  
Dean will never forgive himself for that.  
  
Sam tries to help him inside, but there's enough self-dignity ( _yeah, whatever_ ) and strength left in Dean to shrug him off and stomp to the room himself. What he can't do is get the key in the lock. Sam's wordless again when he takes the metal from Dean's hand and pushes it in, letting the door swing open softly.  
  
Dean goes into the bathroom and stares at the mirror, his face white with dark, red blotches where tears have streaked the skin. He looks pathetic, weak, he looks like everything his dad told him not to be.  
  
If Dad were still here, maybe things would be different. Maybe none of this would've happened. Dad could've protected Sam, could've kept him alive. Instead his brother is just left with Dean, someone who can't even keep his own emotions in check.  
  
"Dean?" Sam calls from the door, hesitant.  
  
Dean startles and turns from the mirror, taking in a shaky breath. He can't stay here, he can't _hide_. Just about the only person he can't hide from is Sam. So, after a while, he just stops trying.  
  
He opens the door and Sam's standing right there, eyes trying to search Dean's, and Dean looks at the carpet unsure of what the hell he's supposed to be doing.  
  
"Hey," Sam says softly. "You okay?"  
  
He's supposed to nod his head and tell Sam to stop acting like such a girl, but Dean finds his head swinging from side-to-side. He cracks, again, because nothing is ever going to be okay again.


End file.
